God Only Knows

It’s been awhile hasn’t it? But I have made my return! Life has been…just like life I s’pose. Lots of new things to report but I’m not writing this to update you on all the events in my life. I come here (and by here I mean this blog) to let my mind wander. Turn off your mind, relax and float down stream…

I made a Beatles reference in the first paragraph. Gotta love it.

Enough beating around the bush. Let’s get down to why I opened Microsoft Word to start writing this new blog.

About a month ago, I was in bed, trying to sleep but not really. As I’m oft to do, I started talking to myself and my thoughts drifted to my grandpa. I was talking to myself as if I was telling a story to someone about my grandpa’s illness and how it all came about. I won’t recount that story just yet, but I’ll take you through the beginning because it involves why I’m writing this blog.

My dad called me on a Friday. June 19th or 20th or somewhere around that day. Definitely a Friday though. I was on my first few weeks of summer break from high school, so my sleep schedule was a bit off. He called me in the evening, but I was sleeping. The phone call woke me up, but I was sort of out of it when I answered. He said that my grandpa, his dad, was going in for surgery on Monday and to keep him in my thoughts. After I hung up, I distinctly noticed that he hadn’t mentioned what body part my grandpa was having surgery on.

My grandpa was a rather obese man and had had heart problems in the past (I think he may have had a bypass surgery) and so I figured it was that again. Anyway, my mom got home and I mentioned that Dad had called and said that Grandpa was having surgery and I asked her if she knew anything about it. My mom sort of got tight lipped and was very hesitant to tell me anything. Eventually, I got it out of her that my grandpa had been having like seizures and stuff and they had scanned his brain and found tumors and such. The surgery was gonna try and remove as many of the tumors as they could.

Needless to say I was a bit shocked.

But, Monday comes around and no word from my Dad through out the day. I should mention that I was flying out to Kansas the next day to visit my relatives out there (Mom’s side of the family).

So finally my dad calls my mom and says they got nothing out, that the tumors were too deep in the brain and they couldn’t get any out. I asked if they had given a time table, and she said at this point, they hadn’t.

I wasn’t exactly in the best of spirits when I flew out the next day. I called my mom and asked for an update and I don’t think she gave me anything but I can’t quite remember. I also called my dad and asked about grandpa and Dad said, rather nonchalantly, “Oh he’s fine!” Keep in mind, he has no idea I know anything aside from my grandpa was having surgery.

I think it was Wednesday when I called my mom and she told me that my grandpa was given six months. Now that’s not exact and he was going to go through chemo and stuff, but six months was what it stood at. I was a bit upset, but I wasn’t crying or anything. Trying to enjoy my vacation.

I don’t remember if my dad said something to me when he had called me that Friday or if it was sometime after I had talked to him, but he said something along the lines of “say a prayer for Grandpa.”

Now, I believe in God. I believe in Him wholeheartedly. But, I never really prayed. Maybe once a year I would say a quick little “help me find my Gameboy” or something, but I never really said any prayers of substance. But, when your grandfather is this close to passing, it’s time to step up and say some prayers.

So, I did. And I didn’t pray for a miracle like “remove the tumors from his brain and rid him of this filthy disease!” because I knew that wasn’t going to happen. I would pray for stuff like “be with our family in this troubling time” or “help us get through the grief when he dies.”

And I noticed that I could pray for other things. So, I did. Personal stuff I’m not going to get into, but I prayed for it.

And then my grandfather died on November 8th and it was very, very hard and it still is, but our family’s getting through it.

Now get this. I’m telling this story to myself about a month ago when these words came out of my mouth: “and I noticed that when I was praying, I felt a tremendous comfort in it.”

And it was like an epiphany. I don’t know where those words came from. I know it sounds foolish to say those words came from God, but I almost feel like they did.

Because that was my prayers being answered. As I was praying, they were being answered. Because I’d ask for His help and he would give it to me—through prayer. All the help I was asking for, it was coming and I realized it because I obviously kept praying, but I didn’t know I realized it. I hope I’m explaining myself right.

Even though my grandpa’s dead, I still pray every night and I don’t see that tradition being broken anytime soon. Because maybe I can’t see His effect right now, but all it might take is something as simple as a little conversation with myself to notice.